Sunday, 22 January 2017

Turning 30 And Be That Cliché



My life at this age is very different yet the same from the one I imagined. Maybe the same direction, with a different method. Which is a good thing.
*It’ll be a very long post. Tidak disarankan untuk teman-teman yang masih memiliki ambisi meluap-luap. Or else, you’ll die yawning with eyes rolling. LOL.
Usia 30 yang saya bayangkan 10 tahun lalu, enggak jauh dari kesan steady life. Semua udah stabil, tinggal melakukan rutinitas karena semua kerja keras dilakukan di kepala dua. So we just need to continue the earnings, to pay the bills and entertain ourselves.
Oh, I’m so naïve.
Turns out there’s no such things as a steady life.

Monday, 25 July 2016

Rain, Interview, and In Between

foto by wallpoper

“Satu-satu aja kali, beresin dulu skripsi, baru bikin CV.”

Di antara kotak-demi-kotak Teh Kotak dan berbungkus Marlboro Black Menthol (yang sekarang mencium aromanya saja sudah bikin eneg), dia bertanya.

Saat itu saya sedang tekun depan laptop demi CV si (calon) fresh graduate ini menarik di mata HR. 

“Gue gak punya waktu banyak,” jawab saya tanpa menoleh dari layar.

Saya paham benar saat itu, bahwa saya sudah terlambat. Saya sudah ketinggalan. Kuliah selama 6,5 tahun tentu bukan prestasi. Ketika teman-teman sudah merambah dunia kerja, wawancara untuk artikelnya yang akan ditayangkan di media tempatnya menapaki karier, saya malah masih wawancara untuk bahan skripsi.

Selama kuliah, memang fokus saya banyak terpecah. Dua tahun terakhir kuliah saat orang-orang memulai proposal penelitian, saya malah bekerja untuk dua media lokal di Bandung, satu digital agency Jakarta yang berkantor cabang di Bandung, dan satu komunitas musik indie di Bandung yang rutin membuat event sebulan sekali (even once in a month, you know making proposal & meeting with client really takes a lot of time).

Tiga bulan sebelum target sidang, saya resign dari keempatnya. Ternyata, meski kita sudah bekerja terlebih dulu, tapi selama kaki masih tersangkut, tetap saja di atas kertas saya ketinggalan. 

Dan saya tidak suka jauh tertinggal.

Sebulan sebelum sidang skripsi, saya diterima di media tempat saya bekerja, salah satu media perempuan dari grup media besar di Indonesia.

Ada satu hal yang saya highlight hingga kini dari proses interview pertama. Sesampainya di pool travel di Jakarta, saya menerabas hujan menuju calon kantor. Segera menuju kamar mandi, mengeringkan rambut dan pakaian dengan hand dryer, lalu masuk ke ruang wawancara.

Setengah kuyup.

Dan tiga hari setelah wisuda, tepatnya 14 November, saya hijrah ke Jakarta dan mulai bekerja.

Ternyata itu sudah berlalu hampir lima tahun lalu.

Empat tahun tujuh bulan.

Tulisan itu tertera di surat resign saya.

Sunday, 24 July 2016

Di Media Sosial, Kita Semua Hakim dan Polisi

Images from here

B
eberapa tahun lalu saat user Twitter baru menuju peak, saya pernah pasang bio We’re all judges. So there’s no need to become Twitter police I guess.

Lama saya tanggalkan status itu, rupanya memang keadaan tak berubah banyak. Mau sosial media bergerak cepat, berubah begini begitu, tetap aja kita enggak bisa nahan sikap judgemental di media sosial. No matter how hard we’re tying.

Yang paling hangat sih kasusnya Awkarin itu ya. Saya gak akan deh nulis tentang apa yang dia lakukan sampe netizen heboh banget beberapa waktu lalu.

Saya lebih tertarik merhatiin gimana netizen bereaksi. No, saya gak pake teori behavioral, budaya digital, psikologi perkembangan, ataupun feminisme di sini. Lebih ke mengingat masa lalu aja, karena pengalaman itu lebih penting bukan? *alasan*

Saya sempat nonton video dia yang hype itu. Jujur, saya gak kuat sih nonton sampai akhir. Malu sendiri! Lol. Nonton video yang ada malah salah tingkah hahaha. Tapi akhirnya saya simpulkan, oh memang saya bukan target segmentasi dia kok. Begitupun sebaliknya.

Dan sempat agak gimana gitu lihat orang begitu sedihnya sama hubungan yang baru dia jalin kurang dari setahun, sampai "menjatuhkan diri sendiri". Tapi kemudian sadar, saya gak adil.

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Refresh!

When was the last time you dissappeared...
From the life in the concentrate jungles we call "cities".
From everyday conversation that have long become repetitive...
And the rest of those regular scenes?

annelisbrilian
annelisbrilian

annelisbrilian
annelisbrilian
Jakarta, Agustus 2014

Monday, 20 January 2014

Cubicle

pic from here
Kami pernah begitu dekat.

Aku ingat beberapa tahun lalu, ketika derai tawa kami diakhiri dengan kelentang kaleng bir yang dilempar bersamaan menuju lembah di sebuah kawasan Dago Atas. Selalu seperti itu kami mengakhiri pertemuan. Dan aku selalu kalah jauh dalam melempar. Aku selalu kalah, termasuk kalah jauh dalam melempar sepotong cerita yang harus segera ditinggalkan.

Pertemuan di tepi lembah itu dilakukan berdasarkan kesepakatan. Ia begitupun aku, sedang membayar janji. Janji yang dilontarkan tak sengaja ketika berjam-jam kami berbalas kalimat melalui messenger. Dan jadilah, persinggahannya ke kotaku dihiasi dengan pertemuan di tepi lembah dan diakhiri lemparan kalengnya yang selalu lebih jauh.

Disusul dengan hari ini. Dalam rangka kunjunganku ke kotanya untuk urusan pekerjaan, kami bertemu. Bedanya ada pada pemandangan yang melingkupi serta kebiasaan kami mengakhiri pertemuan. Tak lagi berada di lembah, melainkan ketinggian gedung yang menghamparkan citylight dari bangunan-bangunan tinggi menjulang. Dan tidak melemparkan kaleng, hanya memastikan minuman kami tandas.

"Jadi, ada cerita baru apa yang terjadi padamu selain tentang pekerjaan?” tanyanya. Intimidatif.

“Hanya itu. Memangnya, apa yang kau harapkan?”

“Kubikel itu kini menjadi pasanganmu, eh? That’s sucks.”

“You think it sucks? Not for me. That cubicle and every single thing in it are my remedies.”

“Bullshit.”

“Hahaha, Pardon me if your job not as enjoyable as mine. It’s your loss,”

“You are living a lonely world, admit it.”

--

Dan seketika, di tengah alunan musik yang sayup, di lantai sembilan belas dengan hamparan kerlip lampu gedung tinggi…

Pikiranku riuh.

Wednesday, 15 January 2014

2013-2014

photo from here 

This post actually too little to late, I know. But who has the right to oversee when you're a mayor of this blog? HAHA. Besides, this flashback-kinda-post is part of tradition. 

So. Still I refuse to share my 2014 resolution, but bear in mind that I feel lucky for not being too apathetic for a word called "resolution". I have much. Just admit, we always have resolution whether it daily, weekly, monthly, annualy, or else. We just ashamed to say it out loud because when it fails, the pain will be double. Based on experience, "let it flow" will leads you to a jungle of uncertainty. 

The highlight of previous years was one phrase that may sounds so overrated to you. As a freshman in world of office-matters (entering second year), I still get much excitement about my job, my workplace, my new city, my office-mate, my best friends, and... this one that previously i called overrated: quarter life crisis.

Despite I trapped in memory lost (in terms of blog post which suppose to be made to treasure the moments), this is what was happened throughout 2013.

Thursday, 26 December 2013

Are We There Yet?

No. Not yet, little girl. Not even close. 
Photo from here
 
It’s an old phrase actually, but sometimes you fail to remember that life is not easy. When you think all the mess can easily swept away by the time you throw the rubbish, actually it can turn repeatedly cause sometimes the wind blows, make it scatter again. Clean up again scatter again clean up scatter clean up scatter clean up scatter. Mess is a mess and some mess’ can’t be erased. You’ll be punished for that.

The road still long and bumpy as it was. It winds it twists it turns. Furthermore, it can be stretched and become more time-consuming anytime you thought you were on a right track. Stop being so positive. Life is not only about success and happiness. It’ll suck you no matter how hard you dodge it. 

Bear in mind, what life brings you when you have too much goals and expectation out there? One wrong way, one failure. One glimpse, one tears. Cause life, at its best, will suck you. Once again, suck you.

For God sake.



------
Who’s there? Why you whisper that speech at me on the night like this?

Saturday, 2 November 2013

MEW CONCERT!


In a big, big way
I am really small
I get off my feet
But I'm still distant
Don't you just love goodbyes?
 [ 156 ]

Photo by @zanoethegainiac
 
The high-pitch-voice, their song selection especially “Eight Flew Over One Was destroyed” that surprisingly they performed, the confetti, and the right time.
---

FINALLY!

Penantian menonton Jonas Bjerre dkk sekaligus nonton konser yang worth-watching di tahun ini kesampean! Buat saya, band ini berbeda. Ada perasaan emosional setiap kali mendengar namanya (apalagi lagunya) sejak beberapa tahun lalu. Di playlist, di blog, status twitter, list listening Path, lagu-lagu mereka termasuk yang paling sering muncul. 

Setelah Indonesia kedatangan seabreg band beberapa tahun belakangan, saya terbilang pilih-pilih untuk datang demi menjaga keemosionalan menonton konser dan khususnya menjaga kesehatan dompet. Hahaha.

Tapi saat diumumkan dia akan datang (lagi) ke sini, tak perlu waktu lama untuk saya mengisi form pembelian tiket online dan ke ATM menyelesaikan pembayaran. Lima belas menit setelah mendengar kabar, tiket pun sudah digenggaman. Yes, Mew, you are entitled to get my priorities!

Dan konsernya, meski kali ini tanpa visual yang konon jadi ciri khas mereka, but for me those 17 songs was satisfactory! Dear Jonas, I dont feel alright inspite of these comforting sounds you make! (Comforting Sounds – Mew) *pret*  
 
 If I don't make it back from the city
Then it is only because I am drawn away
 
For you see, evidently, there's a dark storm come
And the chain on my swing is squeaking like a mouse
[ The Zookeeper Boy ]

---
Ps: Dear promotor, how about Coldplay?

Friday, 1 November 2013

Start Over

Well, hi! 
*open the curtain, sweep and vacuum the dust*

Almost a year this blog getting lost in the shuffle. And I, I live in my bubble, equipped myself with shells and earphone.

To not catching up with this blog means I surrender being trapped in memory lost. There is no 2012’s flashback written in previous new year’s eve, nor birthday wishes and other itsy-bitsy things that often I wrote in this page as a reminder. I’m bad at remembering the details. But I will try to write it down when the year ends, just like my habit.

And now I’m back with so many unpublished drafts. Where to start?

Sunday, 30 December 2012

#5 Tonight Tonight

Quoted from Yoris newest book, capture by me

You know how hard it is, letting go of something you love. 

I love this years. So much. 2012 is one of my favorite years after all. And in hours, I should say good bye to 2012. My boyfriend once said that I'm good at saying goodbye. How can I? Dont we all hates goodbyes? In fact, realize that I should pass this complicated years seems so excruciating a bit to me. Drrrr-amah.

Maybe you’ll say that year just a number. But I’m a person who praises moment. Uncountable moments, the ups and down, expectation, disappointments, anxiety, self-pride, are all mix-ups in one bowl named 2012. 

You know when you step a new stage with full of excitement. A big leap that makes you feels too emotional to remember. When you fly so high yet you fall to the deepest. Forgone, you seems like reach everything you need, but as easy as you flip your hand, all of a sudden been taken away.

The beginning of this year is full of laugh, glory, and optimism. Afterwards, bad things come at an end. Here I tell you loudly, a thing that previously I burry and deny. Currently, I don’t know exactly what I was looking for in life. 


Everything seems so floating away. 

That's sad.

For those who know me since 7-years ago or so, they will consider that I usually choose to become careless about this and that. As long as I feel happy without bother anyone and my daily life run smoothly, so enough. Well the framework of future seems so clear back then (Clear or easy, I'm not really sure). Which suddenly destroyed.

You may say I’m a pathetic-melancholic-depressive-bitch. And this time, maybe I am.

And yes, I'm still that person who used to say "Happiness is just a state of mind". 


Now, I’m a mess, eh?

**

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

#4 Fix You

pic from here

There was a time when you try to put the reality into your logic but still not able to fit in. Cause in fact, there are so many things in life that we can't understand. When justice just becomes a pile of shit, or when your effort just ends as a stack of ciggs box.

The bigger hands, sometimes, can control us. But one thing for sure that I know is... The biggest hand never misplace our fate. As long as I live a life with all my heart, I can find the best I can be. Anywhere, anytime.

So. Yes. Here comes my optimism again. Couple days ago I told someone that I have so many optimism that in fact just kill me in the end. Truth is, this pessimist-optimist side of me just too balance so I can't decide which one is me. Well I'll be at grey area as always. And blabbing my mouth off like I always do.

Speaking of which. If life has a title for every chapter, this one will be a "Tragicomedy" like Polyester Embassy said. You weep for it, but laugh at it too. Or at least I try. Cause I know nothing else I can do. Besides, in several case we're not a key keeper for our own life.

What I'm trying to say is... Sometimes failure comes beyond our faults. And I know you can passes through it. Cause wherever you will be, I know you're gonna shine brightly.

Do you need a hug?
Just in case you do, you know where to find me.

---

Wednesday, 31 October 2012

#3 Ironic

pic from fuckyeahpink

Life is good sometimes. 

Though suddenly you realize that some kind of phase may come no matter how hard you deny. Or found out that quarter life crisis slapped you right in your face. Waiter in a coffeeshop whose forgot to add sugar in your peach tea. Rain fell in your busy day. Favorite heels that stuck on the wet land. Memorable song in your intimate chit-chat. Surrounding by friends while you just want to be alone. Mingle with frengers whereas your thoughts demand for solitude. Widely awake all night long before meeting in your early morning.

Cheers a beer in the rooftop with best friends. Chicken curry indomie in the middle of the night. Phones that not ringing yet. Deadlines on your boyfriend birthday's eve. Guitar that you can't play. Trapped in bunch of kiddos when you desperately need your ciggs. Cozy spot that reserved by the current guest. Dismenorhea in your treadmill schedulle. Secretly swept your tears in public transportation. Running out battery when urgently need to call your news sources. Killing your greatest expectation. Say hello and smile when you feel messed up inside. Uncertainty reach your limits.

But even your life full of irony, you know that everything in life has its price. 

Does it make you feel better?

**

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Sad Song

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness | Gotye

photo from here 

The thing is, sad song always fascinating me no matter how happy I am.

That's not a problem by the way. Not until you eager to fantasize some crazy ideas, the bitter one, to get some vibe from any song you listened.

But frankly, sad song (or ironic lyric to be exact), made me feels more human. In a weird sort of ways.

Monday, 15 October 2012

#2 The Seething Rain Weeps For You

What if the world spinning too fast and you just waste your gasoline to contemplate? Maybe I’ll just sit here. In the name of contemplating though in fact I was just too lazy to over think my anxiety. Besides, who needs answer when all you ever want is just some safety zone? 

At first you think that you’ll never get old to run for your ideal. The other second you see this as a completely shit of your phase. Then you back to where it was and feel that you ignore something more from the start. Now your ideal turns into reverie. You’re too lazy even just to create some reflective.

So speaking of better days, I try to remember everything. But as the years go by, the dark moments lift like rain clouds do.

Thursday, 4 October 2012

Minds


You know the state when all you want to do just running aimlessly to the place that no one knows you, playing a role, demanding a break, but anything you could do just silently walking in your written path instead. You know it feels so sore.


But admit it. Thats the best thing you could do and we clearly know how pathetic it is. But world nowadays told us that freedom is just an old tale. This norms, that opportunity, leave us with a bunch of responsibility.

So i place my freedom in my mind. You have no idea how crowded was there, in my head, a place where you can have all the moments and create some special twist. Sometimes it could be fiction, history, dreams, or simply weep. And Sometimes i'd like to put it in shuffle.

And you, who knows i put yourself in there too? But i told you its my freedom kingdom so you have no rights nor allowance to lend your hand.

Monday, 17 September 2012

#1 Good Time Gona Comes


Ada saat ketika kita tahu sesuatu diam-diam keluar dari porosnya.
Tapi tak ada sedikit pun keinginan untuk mengetahui apa dan di mana, apalagi bagaimana.

Karena kamu tahu, kadang, kita hanya perlu sendiri.
Di antara kegelapan, menikmati ketidakpastian. Tanpa mencari tahu ada apa, cukup dirasa saja. Mungkin karena saya, kami, mereka, sesekali ingin mengecap pahit dan terlena di dalamnya. Atau mungkin alasannya sederhana saja, kita membutuhkan hening di antara sekian banyak bingar, agar kita tidak lupa diri. Dan menyadari bahwa banyak hal yang kamu lewatkan hanya karena terlalu lama berkubang dalam kebahagiaan semu.

Ah, good time gonna comes.

***

Thursday, 23 August 2012

The Cardigans Concert!

Ease your trouble, we'll pay them double. 
Not to look at you for a while.
Explode

My another childhood idol, The Cardigans, just held their "Gran Turismo Concert" at Tennis Indoor Senayan, two weeks ago!


Thursday, 19 July 2012

Temu

This crowded road and that familiar ambience.

Kita bertemu. Di sebuah jalan yang biasa kita lewati. Kugandeng lengan Ken erat. Belakangan aku baru sadar bahwa itu terlampau erat. Sementara kau, kau imbangi langkah Kiv yang seketika berjalan tergesa. Kau dan aku, saling kikuk memaksa sapa.

Belum sebulan dan kita sudah berada di dunia yang berbeda. Aku dengan Ken yang tertatih mencoba saling mengenal, sementara kau dengan Kiv yang sempat mengisi hari-harimu dulu.

Bukankah ini aneh, Karl?



picture via scattered ashes

Dua bulan lalu kita masih berangkulan menyusuri Malioboro dan menyaksikan siklus matahari di Ratu Boko. Sebulan lalu kita masih menjadi penjelajah Kwitang mencari buku -yang kau bilang, begitu bersejarah karena menjadi pijak pemikiran-pemikiran eksentrik ayahmu.

Lalu kita pulang dan di sepanjang Cipularang itulah kita bertengkar hebat.

Karl, sudah kukatakan bahwa ini tidak akan mudah. Beruntunglah kau dibesarkan secara moderat. Sedangkan di luar sana, tak usahlah kau jauh-jauh melihat. Contohnya aku, aku yang hanya punya dua pilihan. Mengikuti keinginan orang tua untuk hidup bersama sosok yang memiliki agama dan suku persis sama denganku atau berontak sekalian hidup bersama pilihanku. Tanpa restu.

Berbeda dengan kau yang selalu memiliki energi lebih untuk pemberontakan, aku masih berharap kesepakatan yang sama-sama menguntungkan. Memang aku tak cukup berani mengambil risiko, karena kau tahu sebesar apa rasa sayangku pada ayah. Aku bersikeras menunggu hingga hatinya melunak dan merestui hubungan kita. Kau benar, aku tak punya cukup daya untuk pergi bersamamu ke sebuah tempat yang tak orang tahu.

*
“Negoisasiku menghasilkan tamparan. Negosiasimu kapan?” kau bertanya di kilometer 41, mengungkit kemurkaan ayah ketika suatu hari kau ajak bicara.

Itulah pelatuk yang memicu pertengkaran kita. Kau ingat? Jelas-jelas aku tak terima. Makian yang aku terima dari ayah, tetap membekas dan menghasilkan luka yang sama. Lalu kau tak lihat upayaku? Kau menawarkan menikah hanya dengan restu keluargamu dan jelas aku tak mau. Bagaimanapun, tawaran “memilih” ini jelas tak pernah aku jadikan jalan keluar.

Dalam emosi yang meletup-letup itulah, kita seperti menemukan jalan buntu. We don't see a light at the end of this tunnel. Beberapa meter mendekati rumahku, kau berkata bahwa hubungan kita tak akan bermuara di tempat yang kita inginkan, selama aku tak berusaha. Kau ingat ketika kau mengatakan itu? Aku. Tak. Berusaha. Seriously, Karl?

Pada akhirnya, seperti yang sering kita lihat pada film layar lebar. Perbedaan tak pernah menang. Dan kini aku yang harus bernegosiasi. Bukan dengan ayah, melainkan dengan perasaanku sendiri. Aku mencoba menerima sosok yang ibu pikir akan baik untukku. Di tengah kekecewaanku ini, tergesa-gesa aku memulai sebuah babak baru.

*
Setergesa-gesa itu pula, aku melempar senyum. Lalu memalingkan muka dan berjalan menjauh.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Tea Talk #1


“Beberapa perempuan berpikir bahwa cantik itu sudah cukup,” ujarnya. Seorang laki-laki Leo yang sejauh pengetahuanku tidak terlalu nyaman terikat dalam komitmen.

“Untuk beberapa laki-laki pun, perempuan itu cukup cantik saja,” selorohku.

Lalu kami sepakat bahwa… case closed. They’re meant to be together.


Perbincangan itu terjadi di salah satu sesi kopi sore. Kami memang sering sok-sok kontemplatif untuk semua hal, bahkan untuk yang paling tidak penting sekali pun. Dan obrolan sore ini, berawal dari lingkungan tempat kerja teman yang membuat ia merasa “berbeda”. Pernah merasa diri menjadi sangat “aneh” karena orang-orang di sekitar melakukan hal atau memiliki pandangan yang sangat berbeda? Ya, mungkin itulah yang ia rasakan.
Her office is a place where the beauty and style became the first thing you should have. Tidak ada yang salah, sih. Everybody has their own way to define happiness. Some people feel content when obtaining intelligence, while others feel the same when they’ve got the beauty or wealth.

Saya tidak bisa memutuskan mana dari ketiganya yang lebih baik. Yang terbaik itu ya mereka yang sungguh-sungguh berusaha meraih apa yang mereka inginkan. Terlepas dari “apa”, tapi mengenai “bagaimana”. Eh, mungkin yang terbaik itu mereka yang berhasil mendapatkan ketiganya, sih :p

Ngomong-ngomong tentang menjadi “berbeda”, mungkin semua orang juga pernah mengalami. Ketika nyemplung di suatu lingkaran dan mendapati diri sendiri sangat berbeda sampai-sampai terlihat “aneh”. Dan kenyataannya, banyak sekali hal yang nggak bisa diatasi hanya dengan ikut arus atau memaksakan kehendak. So for me, the easiest thing to do is… don’t bother. Untukmu perspektifmu dan untukku perspektifku :p


*Judul "Tea Talk" ini mungkin akan jadi beberapa edisi yang diisi cerita-cerita hasil ngobrol ngalor-ngidul sok kontemplatif bareng temen-temen. Karena saya selalu bingung milih judul, maka cerita-cerita yang didapat dari obrolan nyata itu akan dikelompokan di judul ini. Meskipun nggak selalu sambil ngeteh sih :p

Tuesday, 12 June 2012

At The Zoo

Something tells me
It's all happening at the zoo.
I do believe it,
I do believe it's true.

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